For a long time I was the girl who cared about my number. I never grew up in a family that encouraged waiting until marriage, nor were my parents particularly religious, however over time I somehow came to the conclusion my sophomore year of high school that waiting until marriage was something I wanted to consider. I don’t fully understand the reasoning behind my decision, but I remember with painful accuracy the moment in which I threw it away.
The relationship I had with Bass One of my high school drumline (from here on known as NL) is one I will gladly elaborate on in a future post. It was a whirlwind that started wonderfully and ended tragically. He wasn’t the first boy to make me feel uncomfortable, and he most certainly wasn’t the last, however the incident with him still haunts me today. NL never raped me (although rumors circulated saying I claimed he had). He did however take advantage of me in a way that will be burned into my memory forever. He took nothing from me I had never given to another boy, but the threat that he eventually would was enough for me to end our relationship.
After several months of tormenting myself emotionally I came to the decision that I would not wait until marriage, however I was going to wait for someone I cared for. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone taking from me something I had never offered to anyone else. I safe guarded my heart and I waited. In June of 2012 I lost my virginity to a boy who would eventually be the first man I saw get down on one knee.When I lost my virginity I told myself that regardless of if the relationship worked out my number would stay low. While that relationship didn’t last I am proud of my decision to allow him to be my first.
My first serious relationship was followed by two more, the second ending more tragically than the first and immediately sending me into a downward spiral. In the span of 10 months my number jumped from 2 to 14. Number 3 was a memorable friends with benefits relationship. Numbers 4-10 and 12-14 were a variety of experiences you are sure to hear about in future posts. Number 11 is one of my best friends in the entire world, and the man who changed my outlook on my sexual experiences.
Laying in bed after our second or third encounter I found myself with the desire to know his number. It was a question I had asked other men before, but I had never heard a number as high as his. It didn’t shock me. It didn’t disappoint me. He was an attractive man and I had fully accepted the risks when I decided to get in his bed. He was apprehensive in telling me and while I had to pry for the actual number, the fact that he told me the truth likely has some weight into the strength of friendship we eventually developed. I returned his honest answer of number with an honest answer of mine and mentioned something along the lines of how worried I was that it would continue to grow at the rate it had for the past several months.
I never expected the best advice I got about my outlook on life would come from pillow talk with a man I had spent less than a week acknowledging, however he was the first person to allow me to realize my number is not attached to my self worth. His advice was not beautifully worded. It isn’t particularly profound. I can’t quote it exactly. But it changed my life. Your number is just that, a number. Everyone reaches their final count for a reason unique to them, but regardless of how or why that number is attained it will be just a number. Your self worth is incredibly more valuable than any number ever will be, and if you take a moment to sit back and think about it you will realize the honesty in the truth I learned that Sunday afternoon.
The individual tends to care far more about their number than anyone else ever will. The value of the number is hyped up more in your mind than it ever will be in anyone else’s, so relax, have some fun, and make the decisions that are right for you, because your number will always be just a number.