Lies I Tell my Mother

Most mother/daughter relationships are a little complicated and mine is no different. I love my mother to death but she definitely has her quirks (like calling me 27 times in a 24 hour period or calling the cops to report me missing when I don’t answer my home phone at noon on a Sunday). I’m an only child which I know leads to a lot of the overprotection my mother still latches onto (along with the fact that she has been mostly unemployed for the past 6 years). As a result I’m not always the most honest of daughters however I would like to believe I am doing it out of protection for my mother’s mental state as opposed to me trying to hide things from my parents. Here is a sampling of a few of the lies I have told my mother since starting college.

  1. I’m at the library – By the library I mean a guys house.
  2. I don’t know where that shirt you like went – I never wear that shirt so I donated it to goodwill last month.
  3. I’m in class – I might be in class, I also might be day drinking.
  4. We’re not dating – Just because he makes six figures a year out of college and is decent in bed doesn’t mean you can expect to see a ring on my finger any time soon.
  5. He’s just a friend – He’s good in bed and doesn’t suck as a human, what more do you want?
  6. Can you send me $20 I need to pay my electric bill – Actually $40 would be awesome because food would be nice but I don’t want to sound like I’m still trying to be dependent on you.
  7. I need money for food – I haven’t been to the liquor store in awhile and I’m running out of men to sleep with in exchange for alcohol.
  8. I’m going to bed – In like 6 or 7 hours I just don’t want you to call me anymore tonight because I’m likely getting drunk.
  9. I just got home – And I’m leaving in five minutes to go get drunk.
  10. I’m having a relaxing night at home with my little – We are leaving to go to the club the second I get off the phone with you.
  11. I cooked dinner for a sister last night – I put 2 boxes of frozen appetizers in the microwave and we split 4 bottles of wine.
  12. No I didn’t see what you posted on Facebook – I saw it, ignored it, and hid it from my timeline so my friends don’t see it too.
  13. I haven’t talked to my ex since we broke up – Actually we drunk text each other fairly often. He’s still in love with me but he’s 1,000 miles away and too broke for a plane ticket.
  14. I can’t believe my elementary school best friend is pregnant – Yes I can, she turned into a total slut in high school and her last 3 boyfriends got arrested.
  15. I don’t think my jeans from high school will fit – Actually I’m sure they will but I’m also sure they are hideous so please take them to goodwill for me.
  16. I’m running errands – Actually I’m day drinking but I went to the store an hour ago to buy more coke so that counts as an errand right?
  17. I’m thinking of coming home next weekend – I was going to come home this weekend but then I remembered alcohol exists.
  18. I can do my laundry before I come home – I don’t want you doing my laundry because you take stuff out of the dryer while it is still soaking wet and then I accidentally take a suitcase of wet clothes back to school with me.
  19. I got stuck in traffic on the way home – I stopped to visit a friend on the way home and lost track of time.
  20. I’m totally coming home tomorrow – I need money for gas and if I come to visit you will fill up my car.
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