If you read my post on Thursday you know that I have spent the past week bouncing around between various neurologists. After my appointment on Thursday morning I was sent to the vision center for screening and scheduled for a contrast MRI that afternoon. The vision center found 3 scars on the back of my left eye which I was told they need to keep a record of and check yearly in case they begin to spread. I don’t know what was found on the MRI however I know there was something concerning in the report and it was sent to another doctor for them to look at. At some point today I should hear the official results of the MRI but at the moment I don’t really care.
I perhaps did more soul searching this weekend then I have in the past year. I evaluated what I wanted in my life and overanalyzed dozens of scenarios based on what may or may not be inside my head. I love my life and the people who have found theirselves in it. I love the college I attend. I love the experiences I have had. I love being alive. I don’t love hospitals. It has nothing to do with not liking being sick, I have spent most of my life being sick. Injuries, hospital visits, trips to the emergency room, I’m not a stranger to any of it I just don’t like it. I have never seen the purpose in fighting for something that didn’t need fighting for. I would rather spend a preset amount of time living my life to the fullest than an unknown amount of time prolonging suffering.
I’m also terrified of hospitals. I hate doctors and I despise nurses (not because I have any lack of respect towards their profession but simply because they always seem to mess up the part where the IV should go into my vein on the first, second, or even third try). I’m terrified of anesthesia. I’m terrified of surgery. I’m not scared of dying, dying is something I find relatively easy to come to terms with. Death on the other hand, scares the shit out of me. Being surrounded by death and people trying to prevent death, something everyone ultimately faces, doesn’t seem natural to me. I’m not in a hurry to die, but I only want to live for as long as I am getting something out of it. Suffering in a state of semiawareness for an unknown length of time has never had any appeal to me.
Regardless of the news I receive today I know the only thing that matters is what I learned yesterday. Life isn’t measured in length it’s measured in experiences and I haven’t had anywhere near enough. There are so many places I haven’t been. There are so many things I have yet to see. I don’t believe in falling in love with people. I believe in falling in love with experiences. I believe in getting in my car and going for a drive with no idea of what I might see or where I might end up. I believe in spending time with my best friend without making minute by minute plans. I believe in 45 minute phone calls where you never stop talking yet you never say anything at all. I believe in the moments where emotion doesn’t happen yet you feel everything all at once. I believe in silence. I believe in sleep. I believe in the moments that take your breath away. I believe in the moments that make your heart sing. I believe in falling in love with being alive. Yesterday I fell in love.