Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I set out on 3 different road trips to 3 different cities and each time I brought at least one sister with me for company. On Sunday I set out alone. I woke up Sunday morning strongly considering canceling my plans to ‘find myself’ and instead spend the day in bed (something I ended up doing as soon as I got home). I’m not sure which of the many arguments going through my brain at 8am convinced me to get out of bed however somehow I managed to get myself dressed, in my car, and on the road by 9am.
Perhaps it is the changing of the season, perhaps it is the thing inside my head, perhaps it was curiosity, but something found me on a road trip to a church an hour from home on Sunday morning. I identify myself as a Catholic however periods of time have led me to spending my fair share of time in Lutheran and Assembly of God churches in various parts of the country. One of my most memorable exboyfriend’s family was Assembly of God and while I stopped attending their church when he did I have visited several times since we broke up as a way of attempting to mend friendships I had made there. At some point over the past few months there was a rift in the church that caused one of their pastors and several church elders to branch off and create a new church. Sunday was their second service ever and I made the decision to go for a visit.
For the entirety of the hour long drive to the service I contemplated turning back. It wasn’t until I had pulled into the parking lot (in a spot the parking service had assigned for me) that I realized I was now socially obligated to stay for the service. The original church had served a congregation of 8,000 and this new church is currently serving 50-75. I was impressed with their vigor but left feeling puzzled by the amount of things they were trying to do all at once. Less than a month in they are creating numerous life groups, planing mission trips, creating sermon series’, and have multiple pastors (all of which are healthy things to have in a church but all of which also puzzled me in the way they were being presented).
The thing which led me to the most conflicting opinion was the sermon. I had heard this pastor preach before and all things considered this sermon series is very much to his style. He talked about being a people of victory and how God was more interested in winning the battle he wants to win inside of you than winning the battle you want him to win for you. Once again it might be the thing inside my head talking, but it left me feeling uneasy. After the service one of the elders came up to me, placed his hands firmly on my head, and prayed for God to remove devil from it’s place there (both in regards to my behavior and my brain tumor). Perhaps it is the Catholic in me, perhaps it is because I have yet to receive the full story from my doctors, perhaps it is all of the medication I am on, perhaps it is that I have yet to come to terms with the situation, but I wasn’t prepared for that.
On the drive home I did something I don’t often do, but has found its way into my life far more frequently over the past two weeks. For a good ten minutes I cried. It was time to start reevaluating my life, my choices, and the way I had been handling the thing in my head. I don’t know what will come of it. I can’t say for sure if I plan on changing. I still firmly believe I am happy with the vast majority of my life the way it is now. Maybe my last road trip will answer some questions. Maybe the start of the semester will distract me. Maybe I need to spend next Sunday back at a Catholic church. Maybe I just need to remember to take my meds. Regardless this road trip was not what I had expected when I added it to the list and as a result I spend the rest of the day on Sunday in bed in anticipation of Monday’s trip which will hopefully help to calm my brain, even if just for a few hours.