January 28 2016. The day of my first date of the New Year. I had done so well. I had spent almost 28 entire days avoiding the dating world. Almost 28 entire days avoiding relationship seeking men. Almost 28 entire days enjoying getting mildly intoxicated and making bad decisions which effected no one but myself. Then I heard the words I hate more any other words in the dating world.
If I set you up would you go on a double date?
No. No no no no no. NO. NO!!! “Sure”. Fuck.
I am well aware of the fact that I do it to myself. I know I shoot myself in the foot every time I say yes. I also keep doing it. Maybe I just enjoy living on the edge. Maybe I secretly hate myself. Maybe I’m just trying to be a good friend on occasion. Regardless, I ended up spending almost 2 hours in a bowling alley (something I had until this point only done once in the past decade). I have never been germaphobic, however there is something about bowling balls that has always grossed me out a little bit.
Somewhere along the line I discovered I still suck at bowling (apparently when you take a decade off from a sport you get really bad really quick). I discovered one of my friends is really into a guy who is really not into labels. I learned a guy I had never met really wanted to meet me. I determined I don’t actually hate the ‘double dating’ aspect of going out, or even the ‘dating’ part of going out, I just hate the ‘meeting new people’ part of going out.
I highly compartmentalize my life. I get comfortable in my little bubble of friends. I tend to date from my comfortable little bubble of friends. I hookup from the people outside my bubble of friends. People occasionally can transition from the hooking up with compartment of my life into the friends bubble compartment of my life (but at that point they are royally fucked on the trying to date me thing). The hooking up compartment never becomes the dating compartment. Which means the poor boy from tonight is going to be left alone, in a compartment he is unaware of. The ‘I’m friend zoning you but we aren’t actually friends’ compartment.
Friends repeatedly point out that they think I need to be more open and up front with the people I go on dates with. The problem is these friends are primarily the people who are pushing me into the dating pool to begin with. Occasionally a guy will come around and pull me in (I will usually then quickly swim to dry land and away from his sorry possessive ass).
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being the girl who won’t commit, but as I have pointed out before the one part of my life where I am excellent in the category of ‘Neutral emotional response’ it is in regards to falling in love. I don’t develop emotional attachments to people who don’t fall into the friendship category and as a result I will continue to be the girl who goes on dates, has a nice time, and then never responds to your messages. I’m not trying to be offensive, it is just the easiest way to let you down easy without giving you an opportunity to try to win me over (because I will just feel guilty for ignoring all your hard work).