Last semester I made a decision that has impacted my life in more ways then one. I began relying on someone else to hold my life together. I was a mess and it showed constantly. Through the process I let them attempt to teach me how to put the pieces back together, or to at least allow me to give off the illusion of having my shit together, and for the most part it has worked. For the most part I am able to stand on my own feet significantly firmer then I could 3 months ago. I am no longer skipping meals for days at a time, I am no longer going 10 days without being sober, I am no longer risking death by constantly drinking with my prescription medications, I am no longer participating in as many unnecessarily risky behaviors. I am however an emotional wreck.
Today I wrote in my planner a scheduled time slot to have a mental breakdown, tomorrow. I would like to say this isn’t a common occurrence, but I would be lying. I would like to say the thing inside my head is slowly starting to drift to the back of my mind, but the array of prescription bottles on my night stand tell a different story. I would like to be able to say I am keeping up appearances (and to the people who truly matter I am), but I’m terrified the facade is starting to falter. I have become the person who can always be trusted to have shots in their bag (even if I haven’t been drinking) and I have become the person everyone comes to when they feel like they have royally fucked up their life (perhaps because they assume I have done as bad or worse and came out alright so I can somehow fix the situation). Either way I plan on spending the rest of my night eating half a bottle of pizza, drinking a bottle of wine, and wondering why the hell I have yet to be able to hold my life together on my own. I have never experienced life as an emotional drunk, but perhaps if I give into the temptation tonight it will prepare me for my prescheduled mental breakdown tomorrow.