About a week ago I went to revisit my doctor about a concern I was having with something I was afraid was related to the thing inside my head. I am aware that there are many things that can cause people to get sick and perhaps my mind shouldn’t continuously be wandering to the thing that could one day decide to kill me, but I mean there is this thing in my head that could one day decide to kill me and it is really trying my patience.
My headaches had been getting increasingly worse despite the added medications and I was beginning to notice two large lumps on the left side of my neck. 3 trips to the walk in clinic later and I was informed that I likely have enlarged lymph nodes (because golf ball is the normal size for 2 of your lymph nodes right?). I was also informed I should prepare to be bed riddenly ill with some kind of viral infection in the next day or two. Except I wasn’t. I wasn’t running a fever, I wasn’t congested, I didn’t have a sore throat, I was negative for Strep and Mono, I was the image of good health. Except I wasn’t. My head constantly felt like the thing inside of it was trying to get out, everything I ate/drank/smelled/looked at the wrong way was making me nauseous, I was dizzy, and my white blood cell count was low.
Originally I was scheduled to go back to neurology today for a followup MRI to check for growth on the thing in my head, however due to weather it has been moved to mid march. Instead I get to return to the clinic tomorrow for blood work and a follow up on the golf ball sized lymph nodes hanging out in my neck. It hurts to move my head. Standing is kind of hard. Admitting there might be something really wrong is getting hard to handle. Not being able to let myself fall apart is getting even harder. I walk a fine line between not having emotions and then trying to have all of them at once, except when I give myself that moment, that scheduled time to break down and let it all out, I realize that somewhere along the way I learned how to be dramatic but the concept of being emotional still scares me shitless.