I did the thing I never thought I would, I fell in love. Then, on top of the horrible mess I had created for myself, I told you. I never intended to fall in love, I didn’t want to, and even now I wish I hadn’t. I have a bit of a pain in my heart knowing that you said it first, that you were drunk when you said it, that you don’t remember saying it, that you never meant it. However the real pain comes in knowing that I fell in love with the last person I ever wanted to love. I fell in love with someone who saved me from myself, who promised me everything I had ever wanted, and who made me into a person unrecognizable from where I had begun.
You saved me when I didn’t know I needed it and I can never thank you enough for what you did. There are so many days when if I was going to let myself fall in love with you, I should have. However it was none of those days when falling in love should have been easy in which I actually fell in love with you. I have so many memories that I will hold onto forever, not because I loved you or fell in love with you in those moments, but because those moments define us and our friendship. I can honestly say the best moments of my life have happened with you, but I can also say I have never endured anywhere near as much pain prior to falling in love with you as I have felt since I let the words slip from my mouth.
The words “I love you” were something I never intended to say, but then again I never expected to hear them from you. I don’t blame you for getting drunk and saying something you didn’t mean, if anything I blame myself for believing you. However it wasn’t until the words had come from you that I ever even considered the emotion so many people had spent months trying to convince me I was feeling. Within the span of a week it went from being the most terrifying phrase I had ever heard, to being something I agreed with wholeheartedly, to something I was determined to never admit.
Except there is one really important aspect to me falling in love with you, and it’s that I don’t want you. I love you more than I can ever explain and I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in the world, but I don’t trust you. You don’t want me and that makes things easier, but I need to tell you that even if you did I wouldn’t be there. Being with you is something I can only imagine as being miserable for me. I have seen you in love and I know the way you have loved in the past is not the same as the love I feel for you. Saying one thing and doing another is disrespectful to a friend, and disheartening to someone you love. I don’t judge you for it, I have done the same thing dozens of times. But it is why I know that I can never be happy with the person I know as you. Even if something changed and one day years from now you fell in love with me I would have a hard time believing you meant those words, not after the way I have seen you use them with me before. More importantly I deserve far better than I feel you could ever give me. It is nothing against you. I think you have every right to be happy, particularly with someone who you actually love, but so do I.
I am a firm believer that love is eternal and once you love someone you will love them until the day you die, but I don’t know if I ever want to hear those words from you. I will constantly question those words coming from you. I don’t know if I will ever fall this deeply in love ever again. To be honest, if the requirement for falling in love is for it to be this painful I don’t think I ever want to fall in love ever again. I don’t want to loose you as a friend, but I can’t keep looking at you without telling you how I feel. I love you, I will always love you, but I never want to be with you because I deserve so much more than what what you ever could or would give me in any capacity other than being my friend. I can’t foresee living the rest of my life with anyone but you, however that doesn’t mean I want to.
I will always love you, but I won’t stay in love with you forever. This feeling will pass just as quickly as it came and it will soon be just a memory. You will claim I am suppressing my feelings but I can assure you I wont be. You will try to convince me I’m attached to you and I will have to prove to you my attachment has nothing to do with the feelings I once felt. At some point you will once again tell me you love me and instead of it shredding me to pieces like it did the first time it will bring forth anger because it will be a painful reminder of the moment I let myself fall in love for the first time and how horrible it made me feel. I will never stop loving you in the same way I will never stop being your friend, but by the time you read this I will be separated from the girl who fell in love with you to the point of hopefully no longer recognizing that girl who hid from you while she healed her first broken heart.