2 Hours and 80 Miles (and Loosing my Crazy)

Earlier this week I made a bold yet well thought out decision that has changed my mental health drastically over the span of 5 days. I quit my birth control. The decision to start my birth control 4 months ago was one I didn’t take lightly. I knew putting hormones into my body was a decision I wasn’t comfortable making but I also knew that the possibility of accidentally ending up with a child was something I was even more uncomfortable with. This wasn’t my first attempt at hormonal birth control (it was actually my 12th) but it will be my last. Simply put hormones make me crazy. Really crazy.

I have never been the kind of person who cries, yet I have spent most of the past 4 months crying excessively. I’m sarcastic but I have always tried to be careful to not come off as mean spirited, yet I have spent most of the past 4 months acting absolutely psychotic. Therefore amidst a bat shit crazy tear filled meltdown in front of my best friend I made the decision to give up my birth control, permanently. Within 24 hours I noticed I something I never expected, I felt emotionally stable. I knew I had been acting crazy, but the extent of which hadn’t been apparent to me until I had started looking at myself from a more objective position.

Unfortunately being more emotionally stable doesn’t mean I’m all the way there. I’m no longer having multiple bat shit crazy mental breakdowns a day, but I did today have an uncontrollable urge to run away from my life. I have mentioned before that I suffer from PTSD and while it is mostly under control I do occasionally have times where my fight or flight response kicks in without any real reason and unless I am feeling more emotionally stable than a brick wall I’m probably going to find a way to seek out some sort of comfort.

Today I choose to seek out that comfort by getting in my car and driving towards Kentucky. If you read any of my prior travel posts you probably already know that when my fight or flight response kicks in without reason I tend to get in my car and run away for awhile. Last time I choose to run away to Kentucky I left because I was coping with the discovery of my brain tumor and a feeling of having not experienced the amount of life I was aiming for. Today I ran away to Kentucky for no reason other than wanting to run away. Perhaps it is because I was feeling the last bit of my crazy coming out, perhaps it is because I was feeling the last bit of my crazy slipping away, either way I ran away and I have never felt better.


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